I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize