Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
