Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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