I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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