all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
