I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
