I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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