mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
