i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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