Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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