U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
