I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
