I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
