were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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