I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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