If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
