Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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