i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
