tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
