My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
