I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
