I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Randomize
