He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We need to rekindle our bromance
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It's rum buckets o'clock
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
