oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
