The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Two words: blizzard sex
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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