There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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