i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
