She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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