this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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