seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize