Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
i think my cat just said my name.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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