I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
