Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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