First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
ugly people sure do ruin things
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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