this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
