So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
How does one acquire holy water?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
