I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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