dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
