apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
