I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
My breasts were aching with rage.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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