Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize