I didn't shave. On purpose
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
