Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
