last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
