you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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