Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
