There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
