Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
That accounts for only three of the penises
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
