If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
