The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
