her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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