I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
