new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
