made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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