Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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