Do you still have your period?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
