i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
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