two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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