I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
