I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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