2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
