GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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