Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
