Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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